I can’t even defend this. But I really got into following Opie’s Hurricane Earl evacuation saga @opieradio on Twitter.

There were a couple posts that kind of grabbed me. The first was this: “Opie’s eye – Dude! You got your coffee, wild horses, hurricane Earl and a Tiki holding his wood…boom!”

Which immediately seemed lyrical to me…and then a post about how a big wave broke his nose and shoulder…and pictures. And then he was making fun of dumb Al Roker…”@alroker Shouldn’t you be studying maps instead of responding to me? Hurricane’s are serious business! U non accurate weather goofball!”

I don’t know. The song isn’t silly and it should be. I guess I was tired.

“Speedwagon”:
Download audio file (Speedwagon.mp3)
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Lyrics:
Got your coffee
wild horses
hurricane Earl
and my tiki torches

Broke my nose
Broke my shoulder
Hurricane earl
Gonna bowl me over

Now it’s been a while
But I’m starting to feel alright
As the wind raises up the night
Like Al Roker transformed
Now I’m riding the storm
Speedwagon take me home

Traffic jam
Dixie Cup
Monster truck
Means a micro suck

Now it’s been a while
But I’m starting to feel alright
As the wind raises up the night
Like Al Roker transformed
Now I’m riding the storm
Speedwagon take me home

Vacation
All Blown away
Now it’s back to workin
On the O & A

I wrote “The Concession Song” a few days ago, but after hearing Ron talk about his recent appendectomy experience, I started singing the Concession song with new hospital/appendix related lyrics.

Download audio file (AppendixSong.mp3)
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Lyrics:

Well it’s appendix time, oh my goodness appendix time
We’ve got morphine and catheters and crazy things I can’t remember!
But we don’t have doctors, not a single silly doctor
No dentists or biologists, phd’s or Scientologists!
Just anesthesiologists, I’m afraid, knock out artists of the first rank
Well it’s appendix time, oh my goodness appendix time
We’ve got morphine and catheters and crazy things that I can’t remember!
So you’ll need a lot of morphine, on account of all the catheters
It’s a wire rusted round a shoe, the morphine just protecting you
from the Hospital! As the pain we inflict is much worse than the pain that brought here in the first place
If you want to have a visitor, well you need a new partner
If you want go home, find a nurse and fart on her
But if you want a doctor, you need a helicopter
Cause none of us is fully trained, though we’re all experts at killing pain
From the catheters!
Well it’s appendix time, oh my goodness appendix time
We’ve got morphine and catheters and crazy things I can’t remember!

Last week someone asked me to do a cover of “Down in the Valley”. In that post I mentioned that the last cover request I got was a couple years ago from Blowhard – he wanted me to do a version of Donovan’s “Atlantis”. Which is a little out of my reach.

But my New Hampshire friend Stig, who puts out songs under the Aspirin Hammer name decided to give it a shot. I did some piano and narration and a little back up singing, but most of this is his.
Download audio file (AtlantisFinal1.mp3)
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Here’s Donovan doing it:

I don’t know how to make money doing voice work or writing songs, but I’m pretty good at fulfilling the pro bono gigs. Which is not a complaint. All things being equal (and aren’t they anyway?), I’d rather do things like this, if I can.

So I got an email from a guy from the Flying Dragon Arts Center and he asked me do some narration for an upcoming theater performance of Dracula for kids. He also wanted a fun song to alert the audience that it was Concession Time.

It’s pretty dumb and simple, but I liked the idea of doing a song for kids about candy and things. So here’s “The Concession Song”:

Download audio file (The-Concession-Song.mp3)
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Jason also put together a video to go with the song:

Lyrics:

Well it’s concession time, oh my goodness concession time
We’ve got popcorn and candy and crazy things that I can’t remember!

But we don’t have pickles, not a single silly pickle.
No spiders or tarantulas, earthquakes or Avalanchulas!
And no enchiladas. No mexican food at all, I’m afraid.

If you don’t have money, then you can’t have candy
If you want to buy a popcorn box
You have to wear your popcorn socks

And if you think that’s funny, then you can’t have candy
But you’re free to search around the floor
For candy wrappers and our store…

Of Pickles. We used to have a lot of pickles,
But the barrel disappeared one day
And all those pickles rolled away
So we don’t have pickles.

Well it’s concession time, oh my goodness concession time
We’ve got popcorn and candy and crazy things I can’t remember
But we don’t have any pickles.

So apparently it’s some kind of shuttle tradition that the astronauts wake up with a special song. Usually it’s something soaring like U2′s Beautiful Day, but for the last shuttle mission ever NASA is sponsoring a song contest for shoe draggers like me.

Thanks to @Eastsidelama for twittering about it!

The NASA people will pick 10 of the submitted songs and then put it to an internet vote. They didn’t want lyrics, but they did want you to describe what the song is trying to express. I wrote that “I wanted to express the child-like wonder of space along with the idea that our future and past – both literally and metaphorically – lies with the stars.” Oy.

So here’s my entry, “Welcome to Wonderland”. Kittery Embers listeners will recognize it…and I know it’s not really “space rock”.
Download audio file (WelcometoWonderland.mp3)
Quicktime or Download

Lyrics:

Well I rode on the Carousel
Till my horse tired
I threw darts at balloons till I won
And I drank all the lemonhead
And drove bumper cars
Till it seemed like I owned the whole park

And wherever I went, well I shook every hand
I said, Welcome to my Wonderland!
I said Welcome to our Wonderland!

Now I’m riding the milky way
I swim with the stars
I play cards with the moon and the sun
And I jest with the infinite
And pray next to God
Sing this lullaby silent and dark

And whoever I’ve been, and whatever I’ve done
I left a piece of our heart in the sun
And some day I will take everyone

The last cover song request I got was from Blowhard a couple years back. He wanted me to do a version of Donovan’s “Atlantis”, which is pretty much impossible for me. It’s just too complicated and Donovany.

But @hackcomic on Twitter tonight asked me to sing this old spiritual song, “Down in the Valley”. To help out, he linked a youtube clip from the film “Stir Crazy”. How could I say no?

I feel like I’ve heard this song before in some form, but it seemed a little new. And I don’t know if @hackcomic is just messing with me, but I liked the song. And it’s simple, so that’s right up my alley.

So here’s a simple live take of “Down in the Valley”.
Download audio file (DowninValley.mp3)
Quicktime or Download

Lyrics:
Down in the valley, valley so low
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow
Hear the wind blow, dear, hear the wind blow
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow.

Roses love sunshine, violets love dew
Angels in heaven know I love you
Know I love you, dear, know I love you
Angels in heaven, know I love you.

Writing this letter, containing three lines
Answer my question, “Will you be mine?”
“Will you be mine, dear, will you be mine?”
Answer my question, “Will you be mine?”

Down in the valley, valley so low
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow
Hear the wind blow, dear, hear the wind blow
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow.

Hang your head over, hear the wind blow.

I’ve been listening to R&F here and there when I can and doing music here and there and finally those heres and theres came together a little bit.

I’ve also been walking around for the last few weeks with this sort of churchy chorus that goes “now a man ain’t nothing but an old day dream, a barrel a water and a bag of bones” and I was surprised that it fit right into this song. At least it fit to me…

It’s not an anti-Fez song, though maybe it seems that way.

Download audio file (StruckbyNothing.mp3)
Quicktime or Download

Lyrics:
Down the boulevard
Across the avenue
To the alleyway
Where I travel to
In my saddle shoes
A broken Howard Hughes
I’m on the radio, XM 202

Filled with stents and struck by nothing
Blown my day and broke my night I’m
Waiting for the sign to say it’s time to start the
Ron and Fez Show

Now a man ain’t nothing but an old day dream
A barrel a water and a bag of bones
Now a man ain’t nothing but an old day dream
A barrel a water and a bag of bones

Art by Ryan Wilson

Download audio file (rbac6.mp3)
Quicktime or Download Link

Get new episodes automatically on Itunes: Subscribe.

Chapter 7 will hopefully be done by the end of August. (Hopefully!)

It’s hard to believe but Ronnie Two Shoes has invented the best cupcake the world has ever known.

“The Ron Bennington” cupcake is a chocolate and peanut butter man-on the street spectacular and was chosen as the winner of the Food Network’s Cupcake Wars! Congratulation’s to the fine people at Molly’s Cupcakes!

Ron wanted a little song to celebrate so here we go:
Download audio file (mollyscupcakes.mp3)
Quicktime or Download

Also, if you’re interested in what I’ve been up to lately, I’ve been writing a book called “The Rule Book & Calendar of Kittery Embers” and releasing the audio chapters as they’re ready. These chapters and any songs I do can be automatically gotten via Itunes: Subscribe.

And just for fun, I’ve also been doing a video blog about celebrities that isn’t very factual, or reliable.

Molly’s Cupcakes lyrics:
In the chocolate underground
I found a butterfinger buried
Butterscotch and gnosh
and peanut butter all were married
Molly’s Cupcakes won the cupcake wars
Now you can eat your Ronnie B and listen more!

If you sink into the frosting
of this sinful culinary
delicious buttercup of cake
you’ll be forever merry
Molly’s Cupcakes won the cupcake wars
Eat the winning Ronnie B and listen to his show!

I’ll be posting these kinds of unreliable things over at this second site “The Good Bits”. There’s an explanation over there of what these-here-whatever-they-be’s be.